Almost But Not Quite.

A year and eight months have passed. Until now, you are still the one who holds my heart. That, I finally admit. I still find myself stealing glances at your way. I still look for you in a sea of people even if I know that you do not have any reason to be there. It is still very naive for me to think that you would come back. That you would come back for me. But I know the truth now. I know perfectly well why this feeling of mine lasted for so long. I could only come up with this conclusion.

I could feel myself almost falling deeper for you, but not quite.

I guess that there are millions of reasons why I should give up on you. As of the moment, I can only think of the following reasons.

First, I know that falling for you would only lead a person like me to self-destruct. The feeling will always be one sided. With me, giving you all the love I can. And you, none at all. 

Second, I am NOT ready. I am not in the right place to fall. You are far too perfect to be a safe place to land.

Third, I know that I am made for a better purpose rather than just to chase after someone who won't ever feel the same way for me. Romantic love is not my priority. Instead, it is after God's love that I should chase after. 

Fourth, I know better now. I honestly do not believe in love the way I used to before. At this age and time, I realized that the world is not an Enchanted Forest, wherein I am Snow White and you are Prince Charming. And you, my prince, love me so much that you would always find me wherever I am, no matter what the circumstances are. We do not live in a world where true love exists easily. The world has grown too harsh. True love will only exist once you worked hard on it. It takes effort and time. It takes so much more than a true love's kiss or knight in shining armors, that I know now.

Lastly, I am no damsel in distress but rather a girl with superpowers to be able to handle people like you and the world's chaos all at the same time. You don't need to save me. You won't need a white horse once you come running back for me. You are no prince. Just a foolish boy who failed to see through a one-of-a-kind girl like me.

Prom.

Today, I watched Disney's Prom again. And it made me miss school. It also left me hanging. 

Prom. Four letters that depict that one night. One night when you could just forget about the world for a while. That one night when everything else won't matter. 

Well, I would have loved to have experienced prom. But then, in our school, it's just not possible. I guess I am just kinda envious of those who experienced it. I mean, come on, it's prom. I wanted to be part of something like that. I wouldn't mind if I went alone. I just want to be there and witness it all happening.

I could already imagine it. People dancing and laughing and singing their hearts out. I would be there at the background smiling and feeling infinite to have witnessed this scene. Or I could be also part of the crowd, we'd be dancing and laughing. 

~An Alternate Ending~

If I had someone with me during that one night, then I'll remember and treasure that person forever. I'll remember that time when he asked me. I'll remember that time when he picked me up at my house and asked for my parents' permission. I'll remember that time when he opened up the door for me. And how he took my hand and led the way. And how he smiled sheepishly at me. And how we danced with the stars twinkling above us. And how it felt awkward to wrap my arms around your neck. And how I looked into your eyes and how you looked into mine and how I knew that you'll always have a place in my heart.

Some People Leave.

Some people leave and never come back. They leave without saying goodbye. They were lured into the thought that leaving would be best, it was the right thing to do. And when you are involved with a person like that, I believe that what's left for you to do is just to let go. You have no choice. You have to accept the fact that some things are just meant to stay temporarily. When this happens, just smile and walk away. Smile, because that may be the last time that you'll see whoever that person is. Walk away, because if you stay, you'll get hurt.

Some people leave and then come back. When all has been said and done, and you finally got a hang of things, this person just comes back. At first glance, you were so happy that you were given the chance to see each other again. Without thinking, you might have even considered welcoming that person with open arms, but then you remember. You remember it all too well. And that, that hinders you from just going with the flow.

Some people leave because they got hurt. You may have been one of those who did the hurting that it was too much for that person. Or you may have mixed feelings about this person's absence. There may have been those times when you actually liked every moment well spent with that person. But there have also been those times when you regretted everything you said and did. When that person leaves, you feel that sting coming from your very own heart. It hurts. Just a little bit. But you know that it'll never be enough to make you stop that person from leaving.

Some people leave and all you could do is watch them. You could have wanted to wave goodbye or at least smile at them but you didn't have enough courage to do it so you ended up just watching them. As that person leaves, all you could ever think of are those movie scene moments. All those moments that only you would remember. That other person wouldn't even bother because for them it was just a normal day. When the person is halfway gone, you watch them more closely. Then, that would be it. You'll be mouthing, "Goodbye." and you walk away. You walk away with the thought that maybe it will work. Someday.

Thoughts?

I guess I never really know what to say. When it comes to you, I just don't know.

If you ever come across this post, I hope that you'll understand why I said those words. Or why I don't talk to you. Or why I avoided you.

You. I don't really know you. I mean, I know your name and all those basic stuff, but I don't know you. And I guess, there's this part of me that wanted to know you more. I wanted to know what your favorite word is or how you felt when you read a certain kind of book or which movies you like best or what you think of the sunset and the stars. I wanted to know you. And it sucks because I can't seem to get a grip of those thoughts. I can't get a grip of myself when you're there.

Why I don't talk to you? And why I feel really awkward around you? I guess its just the way I wanted it to be. I don't want you to know how I feel. Because if that happens, I know that I wouldn't get the answer that I wanted. It'll just hurt. And that would be just sad. Although, I wanted to talk to you, I  don't want to be the first one to start the conversation. I wanted you to talk to me.

Goodbye. I guess, we'll see what happens next. 

I Want To See You Be Brave.

In a rain forest, right across the outskirts of town, a white bunny lived in a tree house. The white bunny has delicate fur. Its eyes are the brightest of its kind. The bunny has a passion for arts and loves the color pink. In the tree house where she lived with her family for years now, she didn't feel the warmth. Instead, she felt the absence of heat, coldness caving in.

I was but a passerby who longed to have helped the white bunny. In ways, I have, I think. I talked to her, asked her about her life. But these, I know, wouldn't suffice. I hope she knows how much I want to help her. Upon being friends with her, I realized how much life was making it hard for her. Happiness, I wish I could give her. Comfort, I wish I could have gave her more.

There was once an afternoon when we had a talk. Not just a simple easy conversation, but a real one. I opened up to her so that we'd both understand what we both are going through as of the moment. I noticed she let her walls down. That time, I felt so grateful. I realized I was kind of like her. We both felt vastness in life. We both want to just be happy, no worries, no regrets.

Months passed, and I don't know what happened to the white bunny. I haven't had the time and effort to talk to her. But this, I promise myself, the next time I see her, I'll make sure she's okay. I will make certain to her that I'll always be a friend that she can count on always. That I won't judge her like the other people did.

I want to see you be brave, white bunny. I want to see you happy, regardless of the uncertainty that you feel. I want to see you stand up for yourself. I want to see you be strong enough to face life head up. Be brave, white bunny. Be brave and I bet it'll do you good.

Someday.

The most common lie in the world is when you say, "I'm fine."

Well, its something that I've been saying for the past few years. I guess, growing up also means that you have to take things lightly. Feeling deeply hurts. Wherein feeling lightly and expecting nothing is much better.

I don't remember when the "I'm fine." sensation started. I only know that I say it when I am already tired of explaining the same thing over and over. Sometimes, upon hearing that, people would walk away. Sometimes, they just stay and keep you company. I don't know which one is better. Because there have been times when I just wanted to be alone and keep things to myself. But then, there were also times when I felt to vulnerable that I needed company. I needed someone who could just stay there by my side and hear me out.

Lucky me, I know that He's there. Its nice to know that at the end of the day, no matter what happens, it is all planned. The only trouble I'm facing is that I don't really understand almost everything that happens. I lay in bed at night praying for answers. Answers that would suffice the questions I have in my head.

Someday, I wish that I could understand why things happen. Both the good and the bad.

Someday, I wish that I will find what I'm looking for.

Someday, I hope that I will have someone who could just stay by my side and never leave.

Someday, I hope that I will be strong enough to face my problems.

Someday, I hope that I will learn to put some of my walls down, enough to let the right people in.

Someday, I'll look back at all this and tell myself that , "I know now."

You Don't Know Me. You Don't Even Care. (The Boy Who Never Knew)

That right there is a line from one of my favorite songs. That song is entitled Boston by Augustana.
From the magnificent start of the intro up to the very last end, this song wraps up my thoughts about someone. The boy who never noticed.

I guess its because its summer again and that signaled that it has been a year. A year that passed me by, a year that served as a test, if it would work, sadly, nothing happened. To which I say, well at least it'll be over soon. Now that I am ready to accept the ugly truth. The truth that I knew in the back of my mind, it was right there, everyday and in every way. The truth that I didn't want to accept. The truth that kept me from you. The truth that you'll always be the boy who never knew. 

No hard feelings could ever fill up my heart. That, I'm sure of. Besides, the next time I see you, I hope that I could muster up my courage and face you with my head held high. And with that, I'll be able to prove to myself that I indeed learned from the past. No tears, no regrets, just the act of moving forward and acceptance. 

The boy who never noticed. You probably didn't know just how lucky you were. As the Taylor Swift song goes, 'All the other girls, well they're beautiful, but would they write a song for you?'. I laugh at that thought. But its true. I wrote one for you. Unfortunately, its left undone. I don't know how to end it. How could you possibly say goodbye to someone who you could never say hello to? How could you finish a song that's all made up of a series of never ending coincidences that made it harder to forget? How could you forget someone who gave you so much to remember?

The thing is that ours is a perfect ending to reality. Reality in life that could not be written on a story book. Reality that could only be depicted by  words that I can't contain. The words I couldn't say. The words that I put up together to convey this message to you.

You don't know me. You don't even care. You don't know me. You don't wear my chains. 
That's exactly how you made me feel. The feeling of never being enough. The feeling that I didn't know existed. The feeling that you were all wrong for me. That's for you. The boy who never knew.